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Rattlesnake
Contributed by
needs_change
on
Sunday, 11th September 2005 @ 10:21:56 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
injection of a lethal venom
that's what you are to me, that's what you are to me
you bring me down like a low dose of heaven
you are killing me, you are killing me
searching for your next victim
and i know it's me, i know it's me
pull me down like an angel from heaven
you will murder me, you will murder me
searching for the anti-toxin
but it's you and your the venom
what is killing me
is what is saving me
it's your venom, it's your venom
the words you said like poison to my head
you bite me, your words bite me
the look you gave like daggers shot straight to the grave
if looks could kill me, you would kill me
without a second thought you move on
just ignore me, just ignore me
never look back just keep trudging on
you murdered me, you murdered me
Copyright ©
needs_change
... [
2005-09-11 22:21:56]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Rattlesnake
(User Rating: 1 )
by ebooibo on
Sunday, 11th September 2005 @ 11:31:25 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| deep yo mad deep |
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Re: Rattlesnake
(User Rating: 1 )
by MorningDove on
Sunday, 11th September 2005 @ 11:38:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
The idea behind the poem is excellent but the repetition was absolute overkill. I can see what you were going for but you ruined the effect. Once or twice in a poem, not in the same stanza is acceptable, but every other line totally buried it in reading drudery. Try rewriting without all the repetitive lines and see if it doesn't get a better reaction.
Rita |
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Re: Rattlesnake
(User Rating: 1 )
by TeenageDirtbag on
Sunday, 11th September 2005 @ 11:47:05 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Wow...great metaphor for a person. I love the beat of this. I can see it as a song. Keep up the good work n.n |
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Re: Rattlesnake
(User Rating: 1 )
by brokenwings on
Monday, 12th September 2005 @ 02:12:19 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
umm do you know my ex? j/k. this was a very good write i liked the image you painted.. good job..
tasha |
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Re: Rattlesnake
(User Rating: 1 )
by needs_change on
Tuesday, 13th September 2005 @ 05:58:18 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| ok it's supposed to be a song, i probly should have put it in the lyrics catagory. sry. |
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