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Bird
Contributed by
abbitcwinter
on
Tuesday, 30th August 2005 @ 04:34:19 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
bird flying home
the bird swoops down to his tree
perches and starts a beautiful love song
just then a boy comes outside
pellet gun in hand
birds mate finally shows
boy takes aim
shoots the newly landed bird
Copyright ©
abbitcwinter
... [
2005-08-30 16:34:19]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Bird
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 30th August 2005 @ 04:45:44 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Well, you get a 5 for being succinct. I'm not sure how poetic this is, since it could be construed as poetic in its brutality, or just be awkward and straightforward.
Having shot a bird myself with a pellet gun (I was using a GAT with cork ammo) I surely can relate to the circumstance here. However, the metaphor doesn't fully come across, as I've never lost any love interest via someone's pellet gun. However, it is interesting to think about how a rival's aim can eschew a relationship. That has happened to me before.
Oh, and the bird survived the cork attack.
Keep writing. |
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Re: Bird
(User Rating: 1 )
by europeanprincess on
Thursday, 1st June 2006 @ 11:09:19 PM AEST
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| its pretty good. perhpas needed to be a little different. i never shot a bird dont know but it must be a male (boy) thing... |
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