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A Token of Anna Marie
Contributed by
fielding88
on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 04:52:18 PM in AEST
Topic:
StoryPoetry
|
I couldn’t wait to say the words,
“I love you Anna Marie.”
Before my voice was even heard,
She just stared so knowingly:
“Hush my darling, and put to bed
All the phrases inside your head.
Don’t use your clichés, but instead,
See beauty in what’s left unsaid.”
Anna Marie’s engagement ring
Was in the wine glass she sips.
When she noticed; the oddest thing,
Her finger pressed on my lips:
“Hush my darling, and put to rest
All those phrases I so detest.
While all the world wants us to wed,
See beauty in what’s left unsaid.”
Anna Marie had disappeared
For a month that seemed by choice.
By this point she was so revered,
I could still hear her sweet voice:
“Hush my darling, I’m leaving you now,
Not obligated by any vow.”
Then she’d whisper softly in my head,
“See the beauty in what’s left unsaid?”
Copyright ©
fielding88
... [
2005-08-15 16:52:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by Darkhorse71 on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 05:45:35 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Hi Fielding, I see you are still in high school, are you taking any creative writing classes? I thought this was an interesting poem but the metering changed between some stanzas, which made it a little difficult to read. That's easy to do if you're trying to force certain words or ideas into a poem. I wouldn't have told you that except you said you wanted feedback to help you improve. I'm certainly no professional and make my own mistakes, so it's simply my opinion. I did like it a lot and hope to see more from you soon. john |
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Tuesday, 16th August 2005 @ 01:48:30 AM AEST
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You've done well. The beat and style is excellent, and the story is intriguing. It kind of gets one wrapped up in the unsaid (naturally), but then leaves one rather wishing for more. As, I think, it intended.
Nicely done!
Andrew |
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Wednesday, 17th August 2005 @ 09:15:25 PM AEST
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Wow Marc, this really did tell a story...and a rather sad one at that! I hope this didn't happen to you: (
The style you wrote this in suits the mood, and the emotions expressed. Very good write!
Scorp.
(Who missed this on the homepage, but is glad she found it now!) |
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by breny on
Thursday, 18th August 2005 @ 02:15:52 PM AEST
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Wow Marc this is brilliant! Glad to see your back and writting your wonderful poems!! This poem has a good rhythem and rhyme scheme! Plus the topic is brillitant and the ending is what makes the whole poem!!! There is absolutly nothing that I would change because it's perfect! If I was able to give you 10 stars I would but I suppose five will do. Great Job!!!
~Brenna~ |
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wachumiri on
Friday, 30th September 2005 @ 11:12:09 AM AEST
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You did, you got it right. I really to come to hate those that keep me up for days, (One took me weeks on end) though they come to be very special. This poem took your sweat to write, hard earned.
Well done. Mysterious, in a way.
Take care.
David |
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Re: A Token of Anna Marie
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Monday, 10th October 2005 @ 04:11:16 PM AEST
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| I understand this very well, all I can say is wow. You have a great depth of heart to write this and it is unfortunate that many will go through this. |
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