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Child Of Grace
Contributed by
darkhorse71
on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 11:14:56 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Child Of Grace
I was always the sensitive child;
Lover of life, lover of fun, and lover of people.
I would hurt myself before inflicting harm on others.
Their tears were mine, as were their smiles.
I believed in treating others as I wished to be treated,
and believed in things like love, trust, honesty, and respect.
I believed in God and the family,
and felt secure in a cold but loving home,
a home where my needs were met, but not much more.
I believed in school where I could feed my hungry mind -
Lover of books, lover of reading, and lover of knowledge.
I also believed in sports, where friends could gather
and test their skills. Always for fun, always for each other.
Lover of sweat and dirt. Lover of friends.
I was then the cautious child; aware of danger,
but not knowing from where it would come.
I became anxious of sleep, anxious of nightmares,
and anxious of waking.
I felt no comfort from my home where
my role had changed and I didn't know why.
I felt like a target too big to be missed.
I was always in trouble, always in fear,
and always in the wrong.
Small troubles became immense while
bigger ones were capital crimes.
Beginning to feel like I was born on restriction,
I quickly lost touch with my friends.
Isolated, alone, and broken.
Little did I know that the stage had been set.
Then I was the darkest child.
I realized that love did not exist outside of
my heart and the hearts of other children.
My role has transformed from being that of prey
to being one of the walking wounded.
I have learned to fly, or at least part of me has.
I am able to float up to a corner of the room
where my mind and eyes can witness
the slaughter of the trusting lamb;
a loving child who gave himself to save me,
dehumanized by being the abominable plaything
of a sick and perverted mind.
How can a father prey on his children
while demanding secrecy and compliance
to his every narcissistic whim and fancy?
I am still the darkest child.
I have been branded as selfish and rebellious,
a person not to be trusted -
a mark I accepted with shame and pride.
I was left to fend for myself while my parents,
those responsible for my well being,
spread rumors about me to my neighbors and friends.
As the darkest child I created for myself
a world where I could not lose
for there was nothing in it to win,
nothing but a hollow shell void of feelings.
No family to betray, no friends to disappoint,
and no expectations of myself, except to protect
the child inside; to fly him out at the first sign of danger.
Eternally lonely.
I then became the depressed child.
I was crippled, stained, and disgusting.
My raped soul will lay bleeding forever.
I am no longer like my peers; as damaged goods,
I feel as if they can see inside me
and I cringe with shame, expecting to hear their taunts.
Surely they can smell my putrid soul.
I lost all the joy in my life and don't think
I will ever laugh again.
I stand as the convicted child,
somehow guilty for the burdens I must endure -
But also as a child of convictions;
by denying my heritage, and denying my legacy,
I can save myself from my fate.
Determined to rescue others with similar pasts,
and reborn wanting of acceptance and affection,
I searched among the only people that mattered,
and those I could relate to - the walking wounded.
By trying to give them hope and a chance for life
I longed to find the things that they didn't have to offer -
Love and Trust.
So here I am - a Child of Grace.
Destined to walk alone with no way to prevail
against the ever darkening loneliness that was
released into my heart a lifetime ago.
Yet, also knowing that the sorrow will transcend
to joy for fighting and winning this war;
the reward being an eternity of peace and happiness.
This circle has been broken.
Darkhorse71
Johnny
Child of Grace
copyright 2000
all rights reserved
In memory of my father
whose recent death has finally set me free.
Copyright ©
darkhorse71
... [
2005-08-15 11:14:56]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 11:31:45 AM AEST
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Oh My Dear God!! I sit here crying, sharing tears with you to release your pain..I am so glad you found your way back to people who care. The freedom is always in you for you are not to blame. But, I understand his death healed you more than any words could say. Is where i hate myself wishing for death of someone who hurt my child.. I can relate so much too that.. John Tysvm for sharing, knowing i am not alone..Keep the peace with that child in you Know it was not your fault... Prayers are with you
~~~Michelle~~~ |
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 12:25:02 PM AEST
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| Very thoughtfelt, the peices we write that are based on true feelings always tend to carry more heart then the ones that don't, great write keep it up |
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXx_Fem_Fatale_xXx on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 03:53:55 PM AEST
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This brings tears to me eyes n me heart, suffered from abuse aswell tho enflicked by me uncle n not me father thank heavens.
A home should be a place where a child should feel safe. At all cost.
I am so sorry to hear all this but I am very glad for you that now the time has come for you to find peace in life n find a way to deal n handle it all.
It is good that you reaching out a helping hand to those who suffer from this aswell..n not knowing where to go to. Many dont know and this will give them encouragement.
All the best to you in yer healing proccess, it will take a while but you can do it.
It took me over 10 years to come amend with things.....
Huggssss,
Nats. |
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by CarolinaBlue on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 11:18:25 PM AEST
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John, this was an amazing write, I could feel every word as I read along. You beared your soul and I truly hope you find inner peace. The scars never heal completely, I know, from suffering a different kind of abuse myself a long time ago and my heart is filled with joy to know that you are finally free. Although this may sound cliche, I do believe that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. Thank you for sharing this, you are not alone.
~Blue~ |
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 15th August 2005 @ 11:49:51 PM AEST
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Oh Johnny,
This poem broke my heart.and left a lump in my throat. Your honesty and courage come shining thru .Thank you for sharing this and my heart goes out to you . Abuse of a child is the most horrible crime their is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You broke the circle , just keep protecting and loving your children!!
Leia36
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by juliette on
Tuesday, 16th August 2005 @ 02:27:28 AM AEST
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Johnny,
I was okay until I got to these lines:
"Then I was the darkest child.
I realized that love did not exist outside of
my heart and the hearts of other children.
My role has transformed from being that of prey
to being one of the walking wounded."
From the very beginning of this poem I feel like you are inside my head - writing out all the things you see in there that I have no desire to waste words on anymore. What makes you strong, is that you continue to work through these feelings......because no offense to whoever wrote this in their comment before......that which doesn't break you doesn't ALWAYS really make you stronger, but harder.......emotionally cold. There are parts of all of us who lived lives like this, that will never be open to another person ever again......shut down by force.......that is the hardest thing for me.......I hope I haven't said anything to offend anyone - I love you all and you know it! Johnny, I think you have written something amazingly real and honest and I hope the whole site reads it! Thanks for sharing and I am sorry if I have in return shared too much.
juliette |
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Re: Child Of Grace
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 17th August 2005 @ 01:09:57 AM AEST
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Amen to that...
*****This circle has been broken.
My brother loved our father very much.. For some reason, he did not give out the love to my youngest brother like he did to the oldest brother..
My father passed away 2 years ago.. Even though we all miss him, my younger of the two brothers is healing now, from the pain of being unloved.. and yes.. mentally abused.
My father had a great fight with depression. It begans after WW11 and it never stopped. WW11 entered our family and it was very hard.
There are all kinds of abuse that goes around, mental as well as physical..
My sons are trying hard to break that circle..
There has been divorce there in one son, so there is still a lot of things to be worked on in this life ..
I am choked to tears over this write.. it sends a direct message home to me.. and I am sure to many others..
Bless you.. Keep up the wonderful writing my friend.
My prayers are with you always..
*****I have learned to fly, or at least part of me has.
I am able to float up to a corner of the room
where my mind and eyes can witness
the slaughter of the trusting lamb;
a loving child who gave himself to save me,
Raquel Leah ; )) |
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