|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
Save Her
Contributed by
Live2Die
on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 04:14:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
|
She's sitting on the edge
Peering over the ledge
A building of hate and doom
Around a bend, her fate looms.
She needs to be saved,
Her soul to be bathed
So pull her off the side
Don’t let her hide
Something's going on
Her world is a con
Nothing can be true
And who are you?
Maybe you don’t know,
Maybe her life doesn’t flow
But she needs you
And that Is true.
So pull her off the side
Don’t let her hide
Make her see a light,
Tell her it isn’t too bright.
You saved her, she’ll save you
Keep you in the time you flew
Not now, but maybe then
Here then there, now back again.
Copyright ©
Live2Die
... [
2005-08-08 16:14:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 04:17:06 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Good write. |
|
|
Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 10:31:52 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| this poem certainly does deseve more than two words. your rhymes seemed a bit forced, and your ending line needs a bit of rewording, because its awkward. your concept was excellent. i think that doing a redo of this poem concept with using first person would also turn out a great write, and it can have more emotional/powerful bits of how you got to the edge. |
|
|
Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by THORN on
Tuesday, 9th August 2005 @ 07:50:57 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Not too bad, not one of your best, but like Est. said, the concept was clear and very very good.
Cheers,
-xXRayeXx |
|
|
Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by juliette on
Sunday, 14th August 2005 @ 02:02:18 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I also agree with Ess, and probably just like she feels wouldn't bother to tell you to work on it if it didn't have the potential that is does. There is something off about that last stanza, and there are a couple of places throughout the poem that need minor work - but you have an awesome concept here and I can feel "her" when I read this just as you've written it. As I rarely do, I challenge you to work on this - make some changes and email me the new version because I just don't want to miss it! Don't take my critisism poorly, take it to heart - you have a helluva write here!
Thanks for sharing!
juliette |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
