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Meant To Be
Contributed by
Lancaster
on
Saturday, 30th July 2005 @ 11:28:05 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
A humbling experience
Awe shocking
Draw dropping
Epiphany of time
Ashtray
Twenty five cents
A quarter of a mile
Down a road than never ends
Face flat
On your stomach
Roll over your back
Legs twisted
With your arms attached
New position
Opened up
Filled with error
Sealed with wax
A nuisance
Busy to be bothered
Hurried from a bath
Sponging off my wealth
One good pillow
In a bed of stone
Tension
As the muscle prods the bone
Disappoint me
Three sixty-five
Days stolen
Honey from the queens hive
Ill figure it out
Keep you informed
Up to speed
In the loop
No need to stay close or warm
Celebrate
Eat until satisfied
Satiate
Be filled inside
_________
____
Copyright ©
Lancaster
... [
2005-07-30 23:28:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Meant To Be
(User Rating: 1 )
by Man_On_High on
Sunday, 31st July 2005 @ 12:19:04 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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found it to be a little vague..
I refer you to the 8th stanza,
and hope you will..
B
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Re: Meant To Be
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 31st July 2005 @ 12:20:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i wish i could say i understood exactly what the poem meant, but i didnt. i suppose that was meant to be in my case. considering i think that the meaning was the most important part of this, i cant give a comment fit for the piece as it is. |
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Re: Meant To Be
(User Rating: 1 )
by MorningDove on
Sunday, 31st July 2005 @ 01:39:06 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Maybe it is supposed to be abstract and I just don't particularly like abstract work. This work makes no sense to me at all. It is like you are trying to be a classic poetic master but you are no where near it. It just isn't coming off well. Sorry.
Dove |
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Re: Meant To Be
(User Rating: 1 )
by Alibi on
Sunday, 31st July 2005 @ 02:32:21 AM AEST
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| I think there is just too much going on here, and not in a good way. Each verse comes across as a snippet from another poem. Your thoughts just seem scattered at best, and I honestly cannot make heads or tales of this one. Some of the words you chose and a line here and there indicate to me that you could be a remarkable poet if you perhaps reign in your emotions and gather your thoughts a bit better. Keep writing and it will improve. |
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Re: Meant To Be
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Sunday, 31st July 2005 @ 05:12:42 AM AEST
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Hmmm...okay, re-reading this I can see where you were going with it, and the emotions you were most likely feeling when you wrote this. The thoughts do indeed come across as random, but on closer inspection I think you were writing down some hurtful, bitter emotions, and at the time not too concerned with how it flowed out...From a writers point of view---totally understandable. I think with a bit of rearranging, and a gap or two filled in, this could better convey your message. The thought process was refreshing to read nonetheless, and who's to really say how we should convey such strong feelings such as resentment and anger any damn way?? Keep it up!
Scorp. |
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