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The one I used to Love
Contributed by
lil_noel09
on
Friday, 29th July 2005 @ 03:05:29 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
You were the one.
The only one I could see.
You stayed constant and true
Making me free.
Your eyes, how they sparkled
When I came into the room
But like every flower
You to had to bloom.
You grew until you were tired
Of all that I could give
It just wasn't enough
To know that I live
To be with you
I want to please
I give so freely
And you take with such ease
I hurt so bad
Will someone come running
And take this away
Someone with smarts and cunning
You were the one
I used to love
Now I don't want you
Here or above
Copyright ©
lil_noel09
... [
2005-07-29 03:05:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The one I used to Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 29th July 2005 @ 04:27:46 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| the-brokn-rose. Beautifull poem, I understand what are you saying, I understand what you are trying to get out, the words you used crawled deep inside of me and touched my heart, beautifull write, SLipSiX. |
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Re: The one I used to Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by nosoup4crr on
Friday, 29th July 2005 @ 06:52:31 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| You're off to a good start. I find that I almost always advise writers to use more examples. Just by thowing in a short story or example, you can make a poem so much stronger. For example, instead of "I want to please," you could try some story about how you went to McDonalds, and your attempts to please him went unnoticed. Anyway, work a tad with the punctuation and line breaks, and I think you'll be pleased w/ where it ends up. |
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Re: The one I used to Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by dreamer_4_eternity on
Friday, 29th July 2005 @ 02:03:27 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| getting over and moving on are hard steps to take... good job with this poem, its something a lot of people are able to relate to |
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Re: The one I used to Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by english-pea-pelter on
Friday, 18th November 2005 @ 12:27:00 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Yet another wonderful write. I had no idea you went through such a heartbreak. I hope that writing this eased the pain.
- english-pea-pelter |
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Re: The one I used to Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Sunday, 4th December 2005 @ 03:41:54 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
A sad, heartfelt write you have here. I'm so sorry you endured such a heart break. Time heals all wounds. She is is the past, look ahead to a brighter future. May you find someone who shall be worthy of your love.
*heartfelt hugs*
~sue~ |
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