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submitted for your approval
Contributed by
lostrelic
on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 03:18:51 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
submitted for your approval are my words of concern
your world is being consummed by the great corporate worm
your building their towers and polluting the sky
when the whole thing comes crashing down dont ask me why
its plagueing your heart and corrupting there your soul
it wont be long till it takes it toll
destroying the oceans and killing the sea
when the whole thing washes away dont run to me
our land is dying and science builds our food
this world is chaotic dont you feel the mood
music and movies there vision so loud
words from the wise the blind walk so proud
this is our life as seen on tv
we follow the dumb so what then are we
i wont fight it alone this society so unreal
i cant be the only one who can feel
this pain in my heart i feel everyday
watching humanity wasting away
Copyright ©
lostrelic
... [
2005-07-20 03:18:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by vibes2go on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 03:51:26 AM AEST
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a Message)
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It starts out like .. was that Twilight Zone ... or the Outer Limits? not that that's a bad thing .. futuristic .. it's a warning.. but you need to change your "there" to their .. when you're talking about people, and the posessive pronoun. I don't know if you intentionally don't use puctuation for your style .. but you were missing a lot of apostrophies..
the word can't for example ... and it's just my opinion, but I think if you arranged it in 3 line breaks it might have more power .. but good job. (hey ... you asked..lol ) |
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 05:56:33 AM AEST
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Sad but excellent writing.
huggs,
emy |
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by sushant on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 06:27:06 AM AEST
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this is a good poem man wonderfull personally i wont call it ur best i ve read some of ur poems and think u can do much better. paragraphs would have helped
the theme is excelent. |
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 07:31:43 AM AEST
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i quite agree, this is your best!
and i certainly, do feel the same way as you about this world!
you're presented this welll with great rhyme, style, and flow.
good job!
... and keep on fighting for what you belive in! |
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by pUnKa_RaCh on
Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 07:44:24 AM AEST
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so true...so very true.
Great write. Very thought-provoking and real. |
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Re: submitted for your approval
(User Rating: 1 )
by Chilibear on
Friday, 22nd July 2005 @ 08:20:09 PM AEST
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Amazing poem! It's the first of ur poems i've read, and it makes me want to read them all. Great job! I loved it.
-Chili
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