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Final Voyage
Contributed by
PuppetEcho
on
Saturday, 16th July 2005 @ 11:54:33 AM in AEST
Topic:
self-harmpoetry
|
boat sailing
down the river
slowly going down
down to the branches
the winds of sorrow
push it forward
to come to the end
the end of the line
to the river bed
to the river dead
splash splash
as the ship goes
as the water flows
the sun goes down
never
to rise
again
Copyright ©
PuppetEcho
... [
2005-07-16 11:54:33]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Final Voyage
(User Rating: 1 )
by Retrospection on
Saturday, 16th July 2005 @ 11:58:52 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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It's interesting how after you say the sun goes down, the last three lines are short, and set to almost depict a falling motion. That's a bit cliche for most poetry, but as I wasn't expecting it here, it was a pleasant surprise. Also, something that could add a lot to this poem could be some word changes, with a bit more vocabulary involved. www.thesaurus.com is a good place to go for that... I use it on occasion.
Great piece of writing! |
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Re: Final Voyage
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXxmegsxXx on
Saturday, 16th July 2005 @ 05:10:34 PM AEST
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a Message)
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i really like this, alot. youve managed to show the emotions perfectly.
megs. |
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