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I Died in This World (Revised)
Contributed by
RpYoeAtrNy
on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 10:00:36 AM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
|
Never had I thought that I'd be here today
I would have never seen this coming
Though, my death was near, not far away
Deep down inside I knew I'd die in this place
This world of, descruction, of money and pay
Though, I really did wish that I would die peaceful
But I died with war all around me
I died, with sadness growing through my flesh
Died angered like the stormy waves a sea
In a world of crime I can't help but woner
"Is this they way that it really had to be?"
-Ryan F (13)
Copyright ©
RpYoeAtrNy
... [
2005-07-14 10:00:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I Died in This World (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 11:31:00 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| well ryan, you might just have to make another revised version since you left out of with "waves (of) a sea" and the "d" in "won(d)er" the ending line should have 'the' instead of "they", also. you did good with punctuation except you have no periods. you need not ask for comments, poetry should make the comments it deserves, though with a site this big, thats impossible to accomplish. keep hanging in there. its hard to establish yourself here, but you will do it..=] |
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Re: I Died in This World (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by RpYoeAtrNy on
Friday, 15th July 2005 @ 08:42:52 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is weird.... I had it all fixed... I had my D in wonder I remember sticking it in.... I had all that. I was working on it in (Microsoft Word) then copied it and pasted it... maybe I copied and paste it wrong... hmmm how'd this happen?? |
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Re: I Died in This World (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Chilibear on
Friday, 22nd July 2005 @ 08:04:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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That was a great poem, i liked it. Keep it up!
Love, Chili |
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