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A Life Changing
Contributed by
RpYoeAtrNy
on
Wednesday, 13th July 2005 @ 07:57:46 AM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
Mother, her face so graceful
so fragrant and lovely, with hazel blue eyes
starring down with love at me
I remember, I was three
and the whole world to me felt free
passing days, with Mom so near
nothing more for me to fear
-but death-
time slowed rigidly
everything seemed to go by so fast
then it seems, as though
I've been stopped...
now I have no one
nobody that loves me
nobody to care for such a young one
Father, he was so different---
so misunderstood--so cold
and cruel, but he might of just loved
Mom for the day she died
I saw him, the cold man whom hated me
shed a tear, pack his bags
and slowly make his way down the road
Now here, in the home
my soul feels emotionless
I can no longer smile
or love, I can only endlessly
make myself go day after day
without realizing the time passing by
every second I get older
for I seem to fear being happy again
or loving, afraid of losing it again, afraid of
it disappearing or dying
then being afraid of being unhappy once more----
but the worse was yet to come
the day came, where they came to get me
and forced me, to torture myself
by cleaning what wasn't mine
by making me love, what wasn't love
I could never love these new people
I could never love what forced me too
then I couldn't take it anymore
caring was killing me
words I'd never thought I'd here
I silently forced my depressed soul
out of the town into the cold
burden of hope
then dropped down, once exhaustion took me over
into the silent sheet of snow
there--I realized I was dying
my life was disappearing before me
I could feel my body slowly shutting down
then when my mind was all that was left
I heard a quiet whisper, "I love you, my dear"
I could make out the voice, Mom
for she was in my soul now helping me die peacefully
to help me realize--its all worth it
--its all worth dying, just as long as I'm with her--
with her quiet fragrance and smile on the gentle face
then one last time, I feel free again, with her near me
and I feel my soul being let free
with, Mom, my beloved, there to
holding my hand, as she used to do.
-Ryan F (13)
Copyright ©
RpYoeAtrNy
... [
2005-07-13 07:57:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A Life Changing
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXcrossedXx on
Wednesday, 13th July 2005 @ 09:16:24 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Well I certainly see why you did so well in the contest, this is a great poem. First thing I would say is you need more puncuation there was one period in the whole thing and if I were to read that aloud.. well I'd be passed out on the floor. Other than that I'm afraid to critique this too much. My advice is to ask essentially9 if she would help you, she's very very good at helping out with poems, you can pm her if you like, just tell her I told you to ask her.
Good luck, keep writing,
.amanda. |
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Re: A Life Changing
(User Rating: 1 )
by lil_angel on
Wednesday, 13th July 2005 @ 11:21:50 AM AEST
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Wow! Great write! With the punctuation try reading the poem aloud to yourself....when u pause or want to stress a point. Put in a punctuation. But wonderful use of words here...i could visulize
I feel free again, with her near me
and I feel my soul being let free
with, Mom, my beloved, there to
holding my hand, as she used to do |
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Re: A Life Changing
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 13th July 2005 @ 11:26:19 AM AEST
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I like the free flow of the verse. It is more of a prose form which I am no good at myself. But this poem has alot of emotion tied to it. I seen one typo, (it should be staring, not starring) But otherwise this is an eloquent poem for your mom's love. She'll surely guide you to a new life, whether she is in heaven or on earth, a mother NEVER leaves her child.
I wish you all the growth that life has to offer!
Embrace it...you only get one shot!
My prayers go out to you. Keep on writing, it is an essential part of the healing process!
Great write Ryan!
Angel always...godspeed...joni |
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Re: A Life Changing
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 11:14:53 PM AEST
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| well the punctuation and typo has already been mentioned. so i will mention the capitalization. you can capitalize every line, every sentence, or every verse. everyone does it differently. i think you need more stanzas in this. the first one can be broken into at least two. and the third stanza most certainly can be broken up a few times. i liked how the end referred back to the beginning. i always like that in a poem. it shows that every beginning in a poem is important to the piece itself. you can start anywhere, and end everywhere. to emphasize why you start or end can sometimes make or break the poem. the good points of the piece, of course is the concept well portrayed, the emotion, and the reason for the poem even existing has worth, meaning, and power. writing about a powerful subject gives the piece all the more power. keep up the good writing, ryan. |
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